Another Day, Another Apple Watch
Alright, buckle up, tech bros and basic bitches, because Apple just dropped a whole new line of…watches. Yeah, you heard that right. Watches. In this, the year of our Lord 2024, when we’re all perpetually glued to screens the size of small tablets, Apple’s out here like, “But what if your wrist could also tell you the time…and maybe if you’re gonna die soon?” Revolutionary, I tell you.
The “Series 11”: Because 10 Just Wasn’t Enough
First up, we have the Apple Watch Series 11. What’s it do, you ask? Oh, just the groundbreaking ability to alert you to possible hypertension. Because, you know, waiting for an actual doctor to diagnose you is so last season. Now, your wrist can give you anxiety before your doctor even gets a chance to tell you to cut back on the artisanal avocado toast. I can just hear it now: “My Apple Watch said I might have hypertension, so I obviously need to buy a Peloton and a year’s supply of adaptogens immediately.” The self-diagnosis spiral is real, people, and Apple just gave it a chic new accessory.
And let’s be honest, who isn’t teetering on the edge of hypertension in this economy? Between the rising cost of rent, the never-ending stream of layoffs, and the existential dread of…well, everything, my blood pressure is probably higher than a venture capitalist’s ego. So thanks, Apple, for the helpful (and probably highly inaccurate) heads-up. It’s not like I needed to sleep tonight anyway.
The “Ultra 3”: For When Your Regular Ultra Isn’t Ultra Enough
Then there’s the Apple Watch Ultra 3. Because apparently, the Ultra 2 just wasn’t…ultra enough. What even is “ultra” anymore? Is it for scaling Everest while simultaneously live-streaming your existential crisis on TikTok? Is it for deep-sea diving to find the last remaining shred of my sanity? I genuinely don’t know. All I know is that if you have an Ultra 2, you’re now officially a peasant. Better upgrade, lest your extreme sports buddies judge your outdated wristwear.
I’m picturing some dude in a Patagonia vest, proudly displaying his Ultra 3 at the local kombucha bar, explaining how it helped him track his REM cycles while he was “off-grid” in Big Sur for a weekend. Honey, off-grid for a weekend in Big Sur is just camping with good cell service. Let’s not pretend it’s a heroic feat of endurance. But hey, as long as it makes you feel like an intrepid explorer, who am I to judge? (I’m judging).
The “SE 3”: Because Even the Basics Need an Upgrade
And finally, the SE 3. For the rest of us plebs who just want a watch that tells time and maybe tracks our pathetic attempts at closing our rings. It’s the Honda Civic of smartwatches – reliable, gets the job done, but nobody’s gonna be drooling over it. It’s the watch for people who say, “I just need something functional,” which is code for “I can’t justify spending a grand on something that will be obsolete in 12 months.” And honestly, good for you. You’re the smart one.
My Brain Cells Are Dying
Look, I get it. Innovation and all that jazz. But sometimes, it feels like we’re just getting incremental updates disguised as groundbreaking advancements. It’s like they’re running out of ideas and just adding a number to the end of the previous model, hoping we won’t notice. My brain cells are dying a slow, painful death trying to discern the difference between a Series 10 and a Series 11, let alone an Ultra 2 and an Ultra 3.
It’s a perpetual cycle of upgrade culture, designed to keep us in a constant state of FOMO and consumerism. “Oh, your watch can only tell you about possible hypertension? Mine can predict the exact moment you’ll spontaneously combust from stress! Better upgrade!” It’s exhausting. Can we just get a watch that tells us when the next truly innovative piece of tech is coming out? Because right now, I’m not holding my breath.
The Real Takeaway
So, what’s the real takeaway here? Apple still makes watches. They still have numbers that go up. And you’re still probably going to buy one, because that’s just how this dystopian tech landscape works. Now, if you’ll excuse me, my Series 9 just vibrated to tell me I’m overdue for my daily dose of existential dread.