DoorDash’s ‘Pain and Suffering’: A Billionaire’s Lament, My Ass

Okay, so Tony Xu, the CEO of DoorDash, is out here talking about the ‘pain and suffering’ of developing autonomous delivery. My dude, you know what real pain and suffering is? It’s being a gig worker in this economy, trying to make rent while your ‘innovative’ company actively pushes to replace you with a drone.

The Audacity of Wealth

I swear, these tech bros live in such a goddamn bubble. Xu is at some swanky Fortune conference in Park City, Utah – probably sipping artisanal kombucha, lamenting the ‘hardship’ of pouring millions into R&D for a project that will ultimately just line his pockets even more. Meanwhile, the people who actually built his empire, the drivers, are out there battling traffic, getting shitty tips, and dealing with customers who act like they own them.

‘First Inning of Commercial Progress’? What a Joke

He says they’re in the ‘first inning of commercial progress’ after working on this since 2017. Honey, some of us have been working on surviving since 2017, and we’re still barely making it to extra innings. The sheer disconnect is mind-boggling. They’re doing drone deliveries in Australia – because, you know, that’s where all the ‘pain and suffering’ really hits. And now they’re trying to get permits for the U.S. Great. More robots, fewer jobs. Just what we needed.

The Future Is Bleak (and Automated)

Honestly, I get it. Automation is coming. But let’s not pretend these CEOs are martyrs for progress. They’re capitalists, pure and simple, looking for the next way to cut costs and maximize profit. And if that means replacing human beings with glorified Roomba-delivery hybrids, then so be it. Just don’t expect us to shed a tear for your ‘pain and suffering’ while you’re raking in billions. Maybe try actually paying your human workers a living wage before you start crying about how hard it is to build a robot army.

My Unsolicited Advice to Tony Xu

Here’s a thought, Tony: instead of spending all that cash on drones that will inevitably malfunction and drop someone’s lukewarm pad thai, how about investing in better wages, benefits, and working conditions for your actual human workforce? Because last I checked, they’re the ones who actually deliver the food, not some soulless flying contraption. But hey, what do I know? I’m just a millennial in tech, apparently not suffering enough to understand the plight of the ultra-rich.

In conclusion, save your ‘pain and suffering’ for someone who actually cares, which isn’t me, and probably isn’t anyone who relies on DoorDash to make ends meet. The irony is so thick you could cut it with a robotic knife. Get real, dude.