Breaking News: Mars, Just Like Your Ex, Has a Solid Core – But Is It Emotionally Available?

Okay, so the eggheads at NASA’s InSight mission have been poking around Mars and apparently, our dusty red neighbor has a solid inner core surrounded by a liquid outer core. Wow. Groundbreaking. Truly, my life is changed. I was genuinely losing sleep wondering about the geological composition of a planet that still hasn’t figured out how to get decent Wi-Fi. I mean, we’re talking about a rock in space. A rock. With layers. Like an onion. Or an Ogre, as Shrek would say. But unlike Shrek, Mars doesn’t have a charming donkey sidekick or a penchant for breaking into song. So, you know, less appealing.

The Shocking Revelation: Mars Is… Normal?

Seriously, the big reveal is that Mars is kinda like Earth on the inside. A solid core, a liquid core. Just like us! Except we have, you know, actual life and boba tea. And the ability to complain endlessly about venture capitalists. Mars just has… dust. And maybe some really sad, tiny robots doing their best. I can already hear the collective groan from every single person who was hoping for something a little more spicy. No alien civilizations chilling in a hollow core, no secret portals to another dimension, just… more rocks. It’s like finding out your favorite influencer’s ‘secret to success’ is just… hard work. Yawn.

My Existential Crisis Brought To You By Planetary Geology

This news honestly just makes me feel more disconnected. We’re out here spending billions to figure out the consistency of Mars’s insides, while I’m still trying to figure out if my Hinge date is going to ghost me after two weeks or if he’s actually just busy ‘building his personal brand.’ Priorities, people! I’d rather put that funding into, I don’t know, figuring out why my avocado toast costs $18, or perhaps developing a self-cleaning apartment. Now that would be a scientific breakthrough worth celebrating.

And let’s be real, the only reason anyone cares is probably because they’re hoping it means Mars is more habitable. Like, ‘Oh, it has a solid core, so now it’s basically Earth 2.0! Time to launch the crypto bros into space!’ Can we just… not? I’m pretty sure Mars doesn’t need a bunch of bros explaining blockchain to a red landscape that literally cannot give a shit. It’s a planet. It exists. Let it be. Or at least send me first, so I can set up a decent coffee shop before Elon Musk decides to colonize it with Teslas.

So, What’s Next? Probably More Rocks.

So, what have we learned? Mars is a layered rock. Big surprise. Maybe next they’ll discover it’s, like, red. Or that it has two moons. Oh wait, we already knew that. My bad. Honestly, I’m just waiting for the day they discover Mars has a thriving underground rave scene, or at least a decent artisanal bakery. Until then, this whole ‘solid core’ thing feels less like a monumental discovery and more like a Tuesday afternoon at the office: mildly interesting, ultimately pointless, and definitely not worth the emotional investment. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go contemplate the core of my own existence, which I’m fairly certain is made of iced coffee and existential dread.