Another Fucking Phone? Get the Hell Outta Here!
Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in. Another goddamn phone. As if we ain’t got enough of these shiny rectangles sucking the life out of everyone, now we gotta hear about the ‘Galaxy S26 Edge.’ Sounds like a goddamn breakfast cereal, don’t it? ‘Now with more edge, for that extra sharp morning dump!’ What in the sweet name of Jesus H. Christ are these tech wizards smoking over in their ivory towers? They ain’t inventing shit; they’re just repackaging the same old horse manure with a new coat of paint and calling it ‘innovation.’ I’ve seen more innovation in a drunkard’s piss stream than in these goddamn phone announcements.
‘Thinner, Like an iPhone 17!’ Who Gives a Shit?
So, it’s gonna be ‘thinner’ and ‘iPhone 17-like.’ You know what else is thinner? My patience for this bullshit. And ‘iPhone 17-like’? That’s like saying a new shit-house outhouse is ‘toilet-like.’ No shit, Sherlock! It’s a fucking phone, it’s supposed to be like other phones. Are they expecting a goddamn standing ovation because their new piece of plastic isn’t the size of a goddamn brick? These pricks act like they’ve cured cancer when all they’ve done is shaved a millimeter off a device that’s already practically invisible. What’s next? A phone so thin it’s just a goddamn thought in your head? Probably still cost you a grand for that, too.
Qi2 Magnets? More Like Q-Two-Hundred Dollars for a Fucking Charger!
And then there’s the ‘Qi2 magnets.’ Sounds like some goddamn secret society code for ‘we found another way to make you buy more shit.’ Magnets, huh? So now my phone can stick to my goddamn refrigerator? Or maybe to my forehead when I’m too drunk to hold it? These tech cocksuckers always gotta throw in some fancy-pants term to make it sound like they’ve invented fire when all they’ve done is put a magnet in a phone. Next they’ll be telling us it’s got ‘gravitational pull’ and charges itself by siphoning off the energy from your goddamn soul. And you’ll all line up like good little sheep to pay ‘em for the privilege.
The Never-Ending Cycle of Shit
This ain’t about making your life better; it’s about making their pockets fatter. They release a new phone, you buy it, then six months later, they tell you it’s obsolete and you need the ‘Edge Pro Max Ultra 5G Plus’ with built-in mind-reading capabilities and a goddamn espresso machine. It’s a vicious cycle of consumerism, and you mugs keep falling for it. I’m telling you, the only edge these phones have is the one they’re using to cut into your goddamn wallet. So go ahead, drool over your ‘thinner’ phone with its ‘magnets.’ Me? I’ll be over here, enjoying a whiskey and not giving a flying fuck about the next incremental update to a goddamn handheld distraction machine. You wanna be truly cutting edge? Turn the goddamn thing off and talk to a real human being for once. Or better yet, go punch a goddamn bear. That’s more productive than upgrading your goddamn phone every other Tuesday.