Finally, A Man with a Backbone
I’ve been saying it since the first time I saw a VCR clock blinking 12:00 for three years straight: you cannot trust a machine to do a man’s job. Now, we’re hearing that Take-Two Interactive—the big shots behind that game where everyone’s driving around like they’re in a hurry to get to a clearance sale at Sears—has gone and fired their whole Artificial Intelligence team. And let me tell you, I haven't been this happy since I found a pristine 1968 quarter in the return slot of a vending machine. Strauss Zelnick, the big boss over there, came right out and said it. He said AI isn't creative. Well, duh! I could’ve told him that for the price of a cold light beer and ten minutes of his time.
It’s about time someone in a suit realized that a computer program is just a fancy way of saying 'I don't want to think for myself.' These kids today, they think you can just type a sentence into a box and 'poof,' you've got a masterpiece. They think a computer can write a story or draw a picture as good as a fellow who’s actually lived a little and has the scars on his knuckles to prove it. But AI doesn't know what it’s like to feel the sting of a wasp at a backyard barbecue while you’re trying to flip a burger. It doesn't know the satisfaction of finally getting the carburetor to behave on a Saturday afternoon after three hours of cursing. You can’t simulate 'soul' with a bunch of ones and zeros.
The Soul of the Machine (Or Lack Thereof)
It reminds me of back in '84 when my neighbor, Gary, bought one of those fancy electric typewriters. He thought he was going to write the next great American novel without ever having to use a lick of White-Out. He spent three weeks fiddling with the ribbons and the daisy wheels, and you know what he produced? A grocery list and a letter to the city council complaining about the height of my hedges. The machine didn't make him a writer, just like these AI programs won't make a video game better. You need people. You need folks who have actually been outside and seen a sunset that wasn't rendered on a screen with 'path tracing' or whatever the hell they call it. If I wanted to talk to a robot, I’d try to get a human being on the line at the insurance company.
And don't even get me started on the 'creative' part. Have you seen the stuff these computers churn out? It all looks like a dream you’d have after eating a bad slice of pepperoni pizza and falling asleep with the TV on. Six fingers on a hand, eyes that look like they’re melting—it’s a nightmare! Strauss Zelnick is right. You can’t program creativity. Creativity comes from the heart, or maybe the gut, depending on what you had for lunch. It doesn't come from a server farm in some air-conditioned warehouse. If you want a story about a guy stealing a car, you need a writer who knows what a car smells like when the upholstery has been sitting in the sun for a decade.
The Future Is Human
The news says they even let the 'Head of AI' go. Imagine that. Having a job title that sounds like you’re the principal of a school for toasters. I hope he’s got a backup plan, maybe something useful like plumbing or electrical work. We’ve got too many 'Heads of Things That Don’t Exist' and not enough people who know how to rotate their tires or fix a leaky faucet. This Zelnick fellow is on to something. He knows that if you want to make a game about life—even if it’s a game about being a hooligan in a Hawaiian shirt—you need humans to build the world. You need the grit, the mistakes, and the sweat.
We had a fellow come to the neighborhood watch meeting last month talking about installing 'smart' cameras. I told him, 'Listen here, chief, I’ve got a dog named Buster and a porch light that flickers when the wind blows. That’s all the detection I need.' It’s the same thing with these video games. They want the computer to build the world, but the computer doesn't know where the potholes should go or how a screen door sounds when it slams shut. That’s the human touch, and you can’t replace it with a microchip. If you see a robot trying to take your job, just remember: it can't even figure out which squares have a traffic light in them on those website tests.
Conclusion
Anyway, I’ve got to wrap this up because the sun is hitting the patio just right, and if I don't get out there with the weed whacker now, the dandelions are going to start thinking they own the place. Martha’s already looking at me through the kitchen window like I’m supposed to be doing something productive, and I suppose she’s right. But kudos to Take-Two. It’s about time someone realized that the best part of intelligence isn't the 'artificial' part, it's the part that knows when to turn the machine off and go get a steak. We’re doing just fine without the bots.