The ‘Coolest Gadgets’ at IFA: More Like ‘Warm Piles of Horseshit’

Well, well, well. Another year, another gaggle of so-called tech journalists – probably half of ‘em still wet behind the ears from their ‘Intro to Blogging’ course – tripping over their own dick-noses at IFA Berlin. And what do they bring back? A list of the ‘9 coolest gadgets.’

‘Coolest,’ they say. I say ‘warmest pile of steaming, fresh-from-the-ass horseshit’ I’ve had the displeasure of reading this side of a dead man’s journal. They talk about ‘cutting-edge tech’ and ‘standout innovations.’ What I see is more polished turds designed to separate fools from their hard-earned coin.

The Grand Delusion of ‘Innovation’

Let’s get one thing straight, you goddamn simpletons. ‘Innovation’ isn’t slapping a Wi-Fi chip on a toaster and calling it ‘smart.’ It’s not a fucking toothbrush that tells you your gums are bleeding while simultaneously ordering more toothpaste from Amazon. That’s just a convoluted way of making you feel like a futuristic idiot for a price.

They fawn over these gadgets like a fresh whore at a gold rush. ‘Eye-catching,’ they exclaim! Yeah, eye-catching like a particularly vibrant patch of syphilis. These ain’t breakthroughs; they’re minor iterations on things that already exist, just with a fresh coat of digital paint and a price tag that’d make a preacher blush. And ‘picks you can actually buy’? Well, ain’t that just a comfort. Last time I checked, most things at a goddamn store were ‘buyable.’ Thanks for the groundbreaking insight, Captain Obvious.

The Hype Machine and Its Idiots

These tech shows, these goddamn IFAs and CESs of the world, they’re just glorified echo chambers for the hype machine. You got your corporations, blowing smoke up everyone’s ass about their ‘revolutionary’ new vacuum cleaner that folds itself. Then you got your ‘influencers’ – and Lord help me, I hate that word – parroting the corporate spiel for a free trip and a few hundred ‘likes.’ And then you got the poor, unsuspecting bastards at home, reading these articles, thinking they’re missing out on some grand technological awakening.

No, you ain’t missing out on shit. You’re missing out on spending your hard-earned money on a glorified paperweight that’ll be obsolete before you even figure out how to connect it to your ‘smart’ home hub. You want innovation? Go invent something that actually solves a problem, not some digital bauble that creates ten new ones.

My Unsolicited Advice: Save Your Damn Money

So, what’s my take on these ‘coolest gadgets’? My take is to take your goddamn money, put it in your pocket, and buy yourself a decent whiskey. Or a new hat. Or hell, even a shovel. Anything but these glorified toys. Because while these tech ‘geniuses’ are busy inventing new ways to track your piss and your sleep, the world outside is still spinning, full of real problems that no ‘smart’ toothbrush or foldable phone is ever gonna fix.

Don’t be a mark. Don’t fall for the shiny, digital snake oil. These ‘innovations’ are for suckers, and you, my friend, are hopefully smarter than that. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go spit in a bucket, because this whole damn affair has left a foul taste in my mouth.