Back in My Day and the Six Hundred Dollar Wonder
Now listen here. I’ve been around the block more times than a local mail carrier, and I’ve seen technology go from a giant wooden radio in the living room to these little metal wafers that people stare at while they're walking into traffic. This MacBook Neo is the latest thing they’re trying to sell us. They say it’s $599. In my day, $599 could buy you a used Ford Falcon and enough gas to drive to the Grand Canyon and back. But now, it buys you 'value.' Apparently, this Neo thing is 43% better than the M1 MacBook Air. I don't know what an 'M1' is—it sounds like a highway I’d get lost on—but the youngsters are all in a tizzy about it. They tell me the CPU tests are 'opening eyes.' Well, my eyes are already open, mostly because the neighbors' dog won't stop barking at three in the morning, but I suppose a faster computer wouldn't hurt when I'm trying to find that one video of the cat playing the piano.
Forty-Three Percent Faster at What Exactly?
The way these tech companies name things is a crying shame. 'Neo.' What happened to 'The Macintosh'? It had a nice ring to it. Now everything is an Air, a Pro, or a Neo. It sounds like a bad sci-fi movie I’d fall asleep to on a Sunday afternoon. But let's look at the brass tacks. $599 for a machine that actually works? That’s cheaper than the dental work I had done last summer, and arguably more useful. The M1 Air was supposed to be the gold standard, the 'bees knees' as we used to say before everyone started getting offended by everything. But this Neo comes along and just kicks the ladder out from under it. Forty-three percent! That’s a huge jump. That’s like if my lawnmower suddenly decided to go forty-three percent faster; I’d be finished with the yard in time to catch the early bird special at the Sizzler. It’s the kind of performance that makes you wonder why anyone would pay more for those fancy 'Pro' models that look exactly the same to me anyway.
The Value Trap and the Mystery of the Cloud
I'll tell you what the real problem is, though. It’s the 'value' trap. They make it cheap so you buy it, and then you realize you need a dongle for your mouse, a dongle for your printer, and a dongle to talk to your own wife. It’s dongles all the way down! But if the performance is really that much better, maybe I can finally stop seeing that spinning rainbow wheel of death every time I try to upload a photo of my prize-winning tomatoes to the Facebook. My grandson tells me it’s all about the 'architecture.' I told him the only architecture I care about is the new gazebo they’re building at the park. But I suppose if Apple wants to give us more bang for our buck, I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Just don't ask me to use the cloud. I don't trust it. Anything that stores my bank passwords in the sky where a bird could get at them is a no-go for me. I prefer my files where I can see them, preferably printed out and kept in a sturdy manila folder.
Conclusion
At the end of the day, I suppose I’ll end up buying one of these Neo contraptions. If it’s as fast as they say, maybe I can finally finish my memoirs before the lord calls me home. Just don't expect me to be happy about the lack of a floppy disk drive. I've still got a box of AOL trial discs in the attic that are perfectly good. Apple can keep their 'Neo' speed, as long as I can keep my sanity and a decent cup of coffee that doesn't cost seven dollars. Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I hear the mailman, and he's been putting my magazines in the wrong box again.